Once upon a time, not too many years ago, I made decisions based upon a giant spreadsheet that I kept in my head. I weighed the hypothetical effects of all possible scenarios on everyone who could possibly be impacted by my decision (the environment and future generations included), checked in with my long list of “shoulds”and then I’d choose the option I believed brought the greatest amount of good and the least amount of guilt. This process was used to determine driving routes, plan meals, choose children’s activities, accept invitations, make career moves. Everything. This was an extremely exhausting mental activity, and often left me paralyzed in complicated mathematical indecision as well as feeling depleted. The question what do I want? seldom crossed my mind, and it didn’t matter anyway, I believed I was too much to too many, and I hadn’t the skills to even know what I wanted.
Flash forward a few years and my decision making process is unrecognizable. The first questions I now ask myself when faced with a choice to make are:
What is my body telling me? Am I attracted to the idea, invite or a particular choice? Do I feel lit up inside?
If so, I’ll follow up with:
Is this in alignment with my intentions?
If so, I proceed. (If not, I gracefully decline or wait a bit for more clarity.)
This new approach to decision making proves to be much less stress and much greater pleasure for me, and in turn, for my people. Yay!
The paradigm shift from outside input to inside input didn’t occur with the flip of a switch. I had to dance around the pond of self-care and self-trust and dip my toes a few times in before committing to practices that led to the big shift. They help me get in touch with my body, mind and spirit, so that I can use them as tools to become wiser and more deliberate about creating the life I want to live. Some of the biggies include:
- Mindfulness meditation – one of the best ways to get to know how we think and feel is to sit with ourselves and do nothing. Or rather, try to focus on one thing as simple as the breath and see what actually happens. The thoughts come, giving us opportunity to observe them. What are they? What’s their quality? Do they serve? Is there a pattern? AND how does the body respond to different thoughts?
- Yoga – another opportunity to practice mindfulness, but with movement, which takes some of the pressure off for those of us who tend toward anxious. Both the classes I teach and attend are a constant invitation to enter the body with full attention to see what’s going on. What sensations am I feeling? How do they change? Where do I feel energy? Both home practice and attending class offer opportunity to practice decision making. What do I want to do next? How deep do I want to go? Do I want a prop or a different variation of the pose?
- Wild writing – like meditation, but different. This specific journal practice –writing for a specific amount of time without letting the pen leave the page– allows us to see what’s wanting to come out. What are the themes? What are we imagining? Craving? Where in the world do we want to go? What are our interests? Dreams? Liz Gilbert says that the opposite of depression isn’t happiness, but curiosity. Writing helps us answer the question: what are we curious about?
- Check in (*and act accordingly) – first thing in the morning, last thing at night and a gazillion times in between. Just like we’d do with a visiting friend or a child, we can ask, how is my nervous system? How is my attention? What may l be needing? (Food? Water? Sunlight? Rest? Movement? Beauty? Nature? Vitamin B or D? A friend?) Once you know, give yourself the care you need. You are the only one who can truly know what you need. Trust you.
- Pay attention to your joy meter— Notice when you get a goose-bumped skin orgasm. Notice when you’ve lost track of time because you entered a flow state. Notice when you’re taken aback by the beauty of the moment. Search out more of these scenarios. Likewise, notice when you retract in fear or disgust. Inquire about the why. Can you eliminate these encounters? If not, can you grow into and through them for deeper self-knowledge? What skills may you be needing?
- Find support – personal growth (self-care) is a team sport. Find your teammates. Pay for it if you must, YOU ARE WORTH IT. Hire a coach or therapist. Join a group. If it doesn’t exist, create it! You deserve support, so search high and low until you find the right fit. Accountability partners are crucial. We learn in conversation, and when we share what we learn, we all learn faster and deeper.
- Practice gratitude – As Robin Wall Kimmerer says, “gratitude breeds abundance.” Feeling abundantly blessed leads to well-being and greater confidence, including greater confidence in decision making. Scan your day each evening for specific experiences you are grateful for. Paint yourself a mental image of the experiences, write them down or share them with a friend via text.
These practices, among others, have helped transform my headspace. There’s less tension due to less “figuring out”, and there’s more ease and freedom. I don’t know exactly where or when I adopted the beliefs that formed spreadsheet thinking, but I’m grateful for plasticity of the brain, wisdom of the body and all peeps teaching and learning with me on this exciting path.