for this I pray

One evening last week, at the end of the sixth day of family quarantine, I let myself go all the way in. 

I followed the thread of fear all the way to the end. I let myself explore the worst case imaginable as opposed to damming all negative or scary thoughts. Gratefully, my husband held good space, not turning away from my trembling, my tears, nor the doomsday scenarios I played with, and the next day I awoke with less tension in my jaw, neck, and shoulders than I’d felt all week. 

Moving emotions and physical tension wasn’t the only benefit of my purging tear-fest and exercise in imaginative exploration. Once I allowed myself to picture it all, I got really clear on my fears. I realized I am not as scared of physical illness and death by natural causes as I am my community feeling hungry, unsafe, and desperate. I am scared of civil unrest.

I am reminded that although this fear is new for me, it is ancient and prolific for so many in the world, both near and far. I have always stayed relatively aware of traumatic world news— civil wars, disease, famine and starvation, terrorism, gang violence, asylum-seekers jailed and separated from their families— but I can normally keep fear, concern, and empathy for those suffering at bay by creating excuses, distractions and imaginary distance between me and them. If I didn’t create these boundaries, how could I ever make it through a day? 

But now these boundaries are gone, as this virus affects us all. And now that I know in my body a hint of the fear that so many across the globe feel day in and day out, some for endless generations, I pray I can’t un-know it, even when this pandemic is under control. I pray that every human experiencing this type of communal fear for the first time can also realize that it is the same physical sensation of fear that so many of our brothers and sisters experience on a daily basis, not knowing if they are safe or where they will get their next meal.

I pray we take this new knowing handed us by COVID-19 and work with it to change the way we live as a global society. I pray we change the way we consume, the way we vote and the way we practice diplomacy. I pray we begin to grow and spread the peace, generosity and resources that the world begs us to grow and spread. I pray we use our imaginations to create new ways of being in community that we’ve not yet experienced. 

I pray we start now. 

By not hoarding, by not believing we are exempt or above, by staying aware, by sharing our best practices, talents and resources, by practicing non-violent communication and amazing self-care—so that we can rescue ourselves when we need to and reach out a hand to those needing rescue. 

We imagine, we practice, and we ripple.

For this I pray.