Trauma causes pain, of that there is no doubt. But trauma therapist and bestselling author Resmaa Menakem says that not all pain is the same and that we get to choose what kind of pain we experience and put out into the world. He explains:
Clean pain is the pain that mends and can build capacity for growth. It’s the pain you feel when you know what to say or do and you really don’t want to say or do it, but you do it anyway, responding from the best parts of yourself. It’s also the pain you experience when you have no idea what to do; when you’re scared or worried about what might happen, and when you step forward into the unknown anyway, with honesty and vulnerability.
Dirty pain is the pain of avoidance, blame, or denial— it is experienced when you respond from your most wounded parts, become cruel or violent, or physically or emotionally run away. This response creates more pain for you and others.
This week I’ve been dealing with a hurt I caused and the backlash it created, and Resmaa’s explanation of pain has been instrumental in guiding how I work through the conflict. I have had to ask myself time and again if I want to put my energy into avoidance and defensiveness or into self-examination and making amends. I knew I would suffer either way, but sitting with the pain instead of lashing out and then owning my mistakes and apologizing instead of pointing out the other’s wrongs has allowed me to metabolize the pain as opposed to perpetuating it.
The concept of clean and dirty pain helps us to navigate personal relationships and tricky situations, but it can also be applied to the collective. In the news recently we’ve heard the POTUS say that he doesn’t want the truth of our nation’s traumatic history of slavery, policing and systemic racism taught in public education. He’s also banned diversity training for federal employees and gone as far as showing public support for racist and chauvinistic hate groups working to suppress.
He is essentially the head of a household saying to his family that what happened in the past must not be discussed, healed or amended. It must be stuffed and denied and the blame for the trauma we all feel must be placed on something outside of us. Absolutely no therapy or healing for anyone.
Modern psychology and ancient wisdom both tell us this is no way to heal and grow.
So many of us are in pain. The good news is that each of us -in so many minute decisions- gets to choose how we will respond to our emotional pain. We can be in pain while avoiding, blaming and denying, or we can be in pain while growing, opening and repairing. Our individual actions can affect the world we live in, choice by choice.
I know what I choose, and I hope that with a little Covid-induced time-out our current leader will choose the kind of pain that leads our nation to growth and reparation.