My reactions to the Super bowl halftime experience.
First thoughts:
Holy cow, what amazing bodies!
What amazing moves!
What amazing skills! Damn!
Second thoughts:
Wow, that’s a lot of crotch shots.
I am feeling uncomfortable.
I wish I were watching alone.
I wonder if my boys are watching.
Why do I hope they are not?
What’s the issue?
Is it my own issue?
Am I jealous of these women?
-a prude?
-turned on?
-nervous about others’ reactions?
Third thoughts:
That Puerto Rican flag looks so cozy.
Right ON with these African and Middle Eastern beats.
This feels so PRIMAL.
This feels like HOME.
Holy shit this is sexy.
And powerful.
I want to DO that.
I want to BE them.
Then the show ended, we collected the kids we brought and headed home. Along the way I heard my youngest say he heard the show was inappropriate. I heard echoes of someone in the car saying “it was.”
I said nothing.
I awoke the following morning with the Super Bowl heavy on my mind.
A) because one of my gut reactions to the whole display of feminine power, grace and sex was discomfort.
And
B) because I had stayed quiet when questions about its “appropriateness” arose.
Me, who likes to think of herself as a feminist, open-minded and sex positive, was uncomfortable.
Me, who likes to think of herself as an activist stayed quiet.
Me who has sitting dog-eared and underlined on her bookshelf Pussy: A Reclamation and Me and White Supremacy still saw this powerful and awe-inspiring display of feminine voice, power and collaboration and had a reaction of “uh-oh”.
WTF?
Today I am owning my disappointment in myself with compassion. I am acknowledging where I am in my evolution. I am seeing my discomfort for what it is— remnants of the worldview I inherited living where I live in the time I live. I am re-affirming my desire to remove the lens placed upon my vision by a thousands-year-old patriarchal culture suppressing women’s sexuality, desire and power.
I am also talking with my boys about discomfort I felt (and where it comes from) regarding seeing two minority and middle-aged women own that stage with their undeniable talent and sexual energy.
Shakira and J-Lo, I am channeling your strength, discipline and bravery. I will do better.