Fears and intentions

We’ve 48 hours until our official start. My more experienced Whole 30 friends recommended a Monday start in order to have the weekend to plan and prepare for each week. The OCD side of me really wanted day one to be January 1, but I get it. Slow and steady wins the race. Can’t go wrong with more preparation, and a few days’ distance from the holidays is probably a gentler approach.

This also gives me a bit more time to examine my intentions and my fears.

Why am I doing this?

I want to clear up acne and eczema. I want wear to socks and bracelets without them leaving deep indentions on swollen skin. I want my pants to button comfortably over my belly every day, not just on non-bloated days.

I want to dump the fog that so often permeates my mind. I want to lessen the hold of anxiety and depression. I want to have more even energy throughout the day, week and month. I want to sleep sounder and wake clearer and earlier.

I want to release addiction’s grasp. I want to create new habits of self-care and self-love. I want to witness how my life will change when I break personal habits and cultural norms.

What do I fear?

I fear I will be hungry. I fear painful digestion and the possible worsening of symptoms. I fear that my physical issues may persist despite the effort.

I fear not feeling love through my food. A cup of black tea without milk and honey sounds lonely. Will I have to literally wrap myself in a warm blanket to feel the comfort and protection I rely upon in my sweetened cup of tea?

I fear not having a quick fix through my food. To what will I turn for the instant ping of dopamine I rely upon with a handful of chocolate covered almonds?

I fear not being able to escape and relax. I’m not a daily drinker, but after a stressful day, or at ANY social function I really like to have a little something to take the edge off.

I fear I may cascade into crazy and consuming eating disordered and controlling behavior. It’s part of me. It’s there and it likes to rear its head when I’m feeling tired and vulnerable.

I fear I will fail, but even scarier, I fear I will succeed. What if I discover I’m a way better human being without alcohol and celebratory foods? How will that rock my world? How will my marriage and my/our social relationships change?


I am aware that the word count describing my fears outweighs that of the word count describing my reasons for doing Whole 30. I am also becoming aware as I write this blog that the essential reason I am doing this crazy diet is in the hopes that by doing it I will become more mindful. I am purposefully making myself uncomfortable, challenging myself and deliberately loving myself in a way that both requires mindfulness and will, I believe, produce a more mindful state.

Now, to mindfully prepare my shopping list.



5 thoughts on “Fears and intentions”

  1. Your words are so inspiring.

    I thought of you this morning when I read this.

    “A hundred years ago, people began practicing personal hygiene, and life expectancy rates rose by over 50 percent in just a matter of decades. I believe our quality of life could rise just as dramatically if we all began practicing emotional hygiene.

    Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone was psychologically healthier? If there were less loneliness and less depression? If people knew how to overcome failure? If they felt better about themselves and more empowered? If they were happier and more fulfilled? I can, because that’s the world I want to live in, and that’s the world my brother wants to live in as well. And if you just become informed and change a few simple habits, well, that’s the world we can all live in. ”
    -Guy Winch

  2. Number one fan, here! You inspire me! I am so proud of you! I did Whole 15. (Couldn’t live without wine, hummus and cheese) love your writing and your honesty. I will say it again! I am so PROUD of you! Also love what Guy Winch said.

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