We’ve 48 hours until our official start. My more experienced Whole 30 friends recommended a Monday start in order to have the weekend to plan and prepare for each week. The OCD side of me really wanted day one to be January 1, but I get it. Slow and steady wins the race. Can’t go wrong with more preparation, and a few days’ distance from the holidays is probably a gentler approach.
This also gives me a bit more time to examine my intentions and my fears.
Why am I doing this?
I want to clear up acne and eczema. I want wear to socks and bracelets without them leaving deep indentions on swollen skin. I want my pants to button comfortably over my belly every day, not just on non-bloated days.
I want to dump the fog that so often permeates my mind. I want to lessen the hold of anxiety and depression. I want to have more even energy throughout the day, week and month. I want to sleep sounder and wake clearer and earlier.
I want to release addiction’s grasp. I want to create new habits of self-care and self-love. I want to witness how my life will change when I break personal habits and cultural norms.
What do I fear?
I fear I will be hungry. I fear painful digestion and the possible worsening of symptoms. I fear that my physical issues may persist despite the effort.
I fear not feeling love through my food. A cup of black tea without milk and honey sounds lonely. Will I have to literally wrap myself in a warm blanket to feel the comfort and protection I rely upon in my sweetened cup of tea?
I fear not having a quick fix through my food. To what will I turn for the instant ping of dopamine I rely upon with a handful of chocolate covered almonds?
I fear not being able to escape and relax. I’m not a daily drinker, but after a stressful day, or at ANY social function I really like to have a little something to take the edge off.
I fear I may cascade into crazy and consuming eating disordered and controlling behavior. It’s part of me. It’s there and it likes to rear its head when I’m feeling tired and vulnerable.
I fear I will fail, but even scarier, I fear I will succeed. What if I discover I’m a way better human being without alcohol and celebratory foods? How will that rock my world? How will my marriage and my/our social relationships change?
… I am aware that the word count describing my fears outweighs that of the word count describing my reasons for doing Whole 30. I am also becoming aware as I write this blog that the essential reason I am doing this crazy diet is in the hopes that by doing it I will become more mindful. I am purposefully making myself uncomfortable, challenging myself and deliberately loving myself in a way that both requires mindfulness and will, I believe, produce a more mindful state.
Now, to mindfully prepare my shopping list.