two girls dancing

Two girls dancing

I remember sitting in a café in Berkeley days before my 25th birthday contemplating this significant milestone. I had purchased a beautiful new journal with two goddess-like figures on it, dancing in the air with their wings outstretched, hands embracing in a big circle. On page one I wrote,

The two almost identical-looking women on the cover of my nth journal are me and myself. They beg me to unite, to complete and to express. To live. Continue reading Two girls dancing

soccer ball

Super soccer mom

Last night TJ and I had dinner with Eric and Paula, a couple that I was meeting for the first time, and in the course of our conversation I mentioned that I’d been teaching mindfulness classes at the kids’ school. This started us down the Mindfulness discussion highway, and I realized that though I LOVE talking Mindfulness, I really don’t have my elevator pitch down yet. Creating one, or even talking about what I’m doing is really tough for me because sometimes I feel like a fraud. Though I’ve taken a few courses, sit daily, listen to many a Mindfulness podcast, started attending group sits and devour books written by the gurus, I still yell at my kids, get overwhelmed and experience bouts of forgetfulness. All this stuff still happens, so I sometimes hesitate to promote what I’m doing. But the truth is my Mindfulness practice is changing the way I relate to all these daily life experiences. Continue reading Super soccer mom

grey-color-11

Seeing gray

I first became aware of my black or white thinking in college. I was a sophomore and suffering my first real bout of insomnia. All my peers were picking majors and the mere thought of deciding what I wanted to do for the rest of my life squeezed the very breath out of me. I was fine being busy throughout the day, but the second my sweet, young head hit the pillow, ¡pow! the adrenaline kicked in at full force. What if I picked the wrong degree?! Attempting to let my roommate sleep, I’d pace the dorm hallways until I ended up in the computer lab where I’d often e-mail my dad at the wee hours of the morning, the reason for which he sent me my first self-help book. I don’t remember the name or the title of the yellow paperback, but I do remember being intrigued by the author’s ability to describe so well the inner workings of my mind. This = good. That = bad. Don’t mess it up or shit will go bad. Continue reading Seeing gray

IMG_6569

Claiming my voice and karmic consequences

My most recent blog took me longer to compose, but upon finishing it, I was quite proud. I felt I had succeeded in putting form to the message begging to come forth. Articulation was rough, but I stuck with it because I could feel it pulsing within me, and because while wrestling with my words I experienced flow, absolutely absorbed and 100% engaged. I was pretty giddy about posting, and as I often do, I asked TJ to take a look before I shared with my little world. Continue reading Claiming my voice and karmic consequences

W30 inspired self-care

I was reading through old journal entries the other night and I came upon one from late November, written after having exploded at my kids. I was clearly feeling loads of guilt and remorse when I wrote it. The last line read, “I know beating myself up isn’t going to help. I can only think that maybe drinking and eating poorly doesn’t help either. I don’t want to be so controlling. I feel like I can’t even feel lately. Please god, help me get in touch with my feelings.“ Continue reading W30 inspired self-care

Surrendering control

Day 29 of Whole30 finds me contemplating my reintroduction strategy. Should I do the fast-track model: adding each of the five eliminated groups individually and systematically over the next 15 days to see how my body, mind and spirit respond? Or do I keep going along as I am and only reintroduce when I feel the urge to try a glass of wine, something sweet, a legume-based meal, grain-based snack or dairy product? There are pros and cons to both. If I reintroduce systematically I can be fairly certain of what it is that may be problematic for me, but I hesitate to jeopardize feeling so good. Continuing status quo is another option, but by not systematically reintroducing the foods, I won’t know for a while at least what it is I’m not consuming that allows me to feel so good. I may be missing out on foods I love and thus causing unnecessary burden. Without being under the parameters of the strict plan I also risk blowing it on something that contains multiple food groups, like a chocolate chip cookie made with grains, dairy and sugar. Continue reading Surrendering control

Time and space to digest

“How’s Whole30 going? What day is it for you?” my girlfriend texted me. I interpreted my having to stop to count on my fingers to be a very good sign. It’s true though, eating sans sugar, alcohol, legumes, grains and dairy has gotten to be much less time and energy consuming. I’m getting the hang of this. I say that, though I keep catching hidden sugar in items that I believed to be sugar-free, like the wild caught smoked salmon I’d been eating with scrambled eggs and scallions the past three mornings. There it was on the package, in plain view, “evaporated cane juice”. You can’t really assume anything that comes in a package is sugar-free, unless you read said package. Lesson learned. Again. Continue reading Time and space to digest